The Foundation of a Solid Lifelong Partnership
Love Maps
When you first met, I bet you were so excited to get to know one another. You asked a bunch of questions learning all about each other’s histories, interests, career goals, family dynamics. This is the basis of any friendship, platonic or romantic. This is what the Gottman’s refer to as Love Maps.
Love Maps are the infrastructure of your inner world and knowing each other on a deep level can help you to understanding your partner’s motivations.
A Vow to Celebrate Growth
Sometimes couples become complacent. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It means you feel comfortable. Secure. But it doesn’t mean you or your partner have stopped growing.
I’ve even been guilty of using the phrase, “I know you” or “That’s not like you”. We can fall into this pattern because knowing and understanding our partner provides safety and security. If they deviate from the box of what we know about them, it can become scary. Are they changing? What if they change so much that we no longer connect?
As a professional wedding officiant, I often hear some version of this line in a couple’s vows:
I promise to grow alongside you, but also to never grow up.
I believe in you, the person you will grow to be and the couple we will be together.
I promise to respect, admire and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become.
One of my personal favs is: I promise to keep myself open to you, to let you see through the window of my world into my innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams. I promise to grow along with you, to be willing to face changes in order to keep our relationship alive and exciting.
So how do you keep growing together? How do you continue to learn about each other? How do you remain open to each other’s evolution?
Be intentional. Life gets messy and it’s easy to say, “We’ll organize the garage later”. In this case, your inner worlds are the garage.
Schedule regular check-ins to go over your goals, hopes and dreams.
The frequency is up to you but I would encourage quarterly check-ins. Again, that garage can get messy if you don’t stay on top of it.
Create rituals together like date night.
Rituals include date night, holidays, vacations, anniversaries, Saturday morning coffee, etc.
Continue to ask the questions.
Here’s a free app created by the Gottman Institute that you can use on date night (or whenever).
Continue to ask the questions.
Be open to each other’s evolution.
Change isn’t a bad thing. In fact, interests and hobbies will evolve over time. Life goals often change. However, values usually stay the same. If you find your values are becoming misaligned, you may want to be proactive and seek counseling.
